Hello.

Hello.
Goodbye.
Why are you here?

To look at pictures.
I want to contact Nick.
I am lost.
I have always been here.
Is that true?

No.
Yes.
No it's not. You are a filthy liar.

Yes, I am a liar and I lied to you right from the start.
What are you looking for?

Celine Dion lyric videos.
Answers.
Information on llamas.
What kind of pictures?

Fashion photography.
Does it fucking matter?
Fuck off.
Answers to what?

Questions about llamas.
Questions about the mysterious man Nicholas FitzPatrick.
Who are you to ask such questions?

Who are you to ask such questions of me?
I am Tilda Swinton.
I am Nicholas FitzPatrick.

Cool.
Who?
So you think I'm a fashion photographer?

Yes.
No.
Yes.

Stop being such an opaque dickhead.
Just show me the fucking pictures.
Okay.

Thank you.
INDEX
Well, what do you think?

I think you are an artist.
I think you are a llama in disguise.
I think you are beautiful.
Does it fucking matter?
I don't like that.

But you are a fashion photographer.
Why are you so afriad of being a fashion photographer?
It doesn't matter if you like it or not.
Hmm.

Can I just see some pictures, please?
Do you even know anything about llamas?

No.
I know everything about llamas.
I am in love with you.

And I am in love with you.
You poor fool. I can love no man.
Let me help you.

Okay.
Sure you can, kiddo.

Wicked, cheers.
Yes, it is so good.

I must learn more about you. Please, show me your fine works.
Oh.

Please, now, just go. Leave me be in the darkness, alone.
Wow, Tilda! I can't believe you're visiting my website! I really admire your work.

And I admire yours. May I peruse your website?
loljk I am not Tilda Swinton.
Anything for you, my delicate cabbage moth.

I adore you.
Yes I am.

No you're not.
Prove it.
Okay. I am sorry you're in such pain.

Go! JUST GO!
Okay. Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.
Look at this selfie I took.


Ugly af, as predicted.
Woah actually yur hell fkn hot mate.
Thanks.

Well, I'm satisfied.
U got more pics?
Nah.

Okay.
Show me more pics of your hot bod you little slut.
Alright, cool.

Well, seeya later.
Okay.

You are not handsome.
Okay.

More handsome than you can imagine.
At least twice as handsome as you.
Alright, bye.

Bye.
What? No.

Any pics of anything?
I know you want to, u fuckin skank, u love it.
Stop, please.

Flop it out, big boy.
Um, well you could look at pictures of my work?

Yeah, sure, why not?
Nah I wanna see more of u so I can wank furiously and think about touching your hot hot sexy hot body.
I'm blocking u.

Fuck you.
Try not to be so smug.

I am both smug and handsome.
I guess I just assumed that most of the visitors to my website wouldn't know so much about llamas, or be so good at picking out imposter llamas, or something.

Never assume. It makes an ass out of u and me.
Even for what?

Doubting my llamawisdom.
You got lucky.

No, I got EVEN.
I just know a lot about llamas in disguise.
Okay, smart guy. Pick out the imposter llama here:





That's a real llama, dickhead. Learn more about llamas.

Okay.
Welcome to my website.

May I come in?
It smells funny here.
My website has no smell.

Well that's not very avant-garde.
You are so wise.

But, truthfully, I know that you are not a llama in disguise.
Um, sorry. What would you have it smell like?

Calvin Klein's CK One.
Calvin Klein's Obsession for Women.
Calvin Klein's Eternity Intense.
Yes.

You are an ARTIST!
You are a STINKY FART.
I don't think I want you on this website.

Why?
You just criticised my website for not being "avant-garde" enough and then suggested that I scent it with Calvin Klein fragrances.

So what?
No I didn't.
You don't see any irony?

What is irony?
I hate ironing.
Me too, mate.

Yep.
Yes.
Mmhm.
So, er... wanna look at some stuff I did?

Cool, sure.
Not keen tbh.
Okay. Well, I guess I'll be off, then.

Okay. seeya man.
Okay, bye now.

Seeya, dickhead.
Get lost.

You get lost.
Yes, you did. It just happened rght now.

Prove it.
No it didn't.
I don't have any of those on this website, but I will search for some on YouTube for you.

Okay, thanks!
Nick FitzPatrick

nick@nickfitzpatrick.net
@6e69636b6669747a7061747269636b
Okay, be my guest./

What's your email address?
Go on.

Aaaahhhhh...
Mbili.
Hurr...
[patiently listens]

Urgh!
Mmmm...
Tatu.
lolllll, remember t.A.T.u.?

Nne.
Yasss lol!! Let's listen now!
Uuuurr...
You can't count to ten in Swahili, can you?

No.
I can't believe you can actually count in Swahili.

Umm...
Yeddi.
Hhhh...
Okay, go for it.

Ummmmm...
Err...
Moja.
I do not want a fancy hat.

Please let me buy you the hat. It is so fancy.
How about instead I email you this cool pic I took when I was filming A Bigger Splash and Ralph showed up on set completely pissed and we were all pushing his floppy body around and then he fell in the pool? In the pic I am wearing funny sandals that are shaped like ducks.
Enough of your silliness.

HAT! HAT! HAT!
JET FUEL DOESN'T MELT STEEL BEAMS.
FLOOOOOBALOOBALLOO!
I'm hanging up on you.

No! Wait!
Luke, I am your fatherpig.
Yeddi is Azerbaijani for "seven".

Um...
I knew that.
So, I remain unconvinced that you are Tilda Swinton.

But I am! I SWEAR I AM!
How was counting to ten in Swahili ever going to reassure you of that fact anyway?
It was your suggestion, anyway. Do not question my methods.

I'll question whatever I goddamn please.
Enough of your foolishness. Goodbye, now.

Ur... well, bye, I guess.
Goodbye, liar.

BADbye.
I think you are a liar.

I am a big fat dirty liar.
I will prove to you that I am not a liar.
I think YOU are the liar!
How?

I will buy you a fancy hat.
I will count to ten in Swahili.
Whatever.

Why won't you hear me out?
You surely understand my skepticism.

No, but really, it's true.
What is skepticism?
You are very rude.

I will never apologise.
I'm sorry for being so rude. It was uncalled for. Please may I see some pictures?
Yes?

I have never seen the ocean.
Actually, I am Tilda Swinton.
My grandmother was allergic to citrus fruits.
Yes?

I have something to tell you.
Well why didn't you say so, you goose? I'll pop you through now.

Thankyou.
Wait!
Mmhm.

And lemons.
Am I boring you?
Allergic to all of them?

Just to grapefruit.
Okay, I'll just put you through.

Okay then.
I'm not down for this, sorry.

Can I look at some pictures, then?
Also she was allergic to calamondin!
Did you come here to look at my photos and drawings and stuff?

Yes.
No, I just came here to lie to you about my identity and then to assault you with an exhaustive list of my grandmother's fruit allergies.
Frankly, yes.

Oh, er...
Listen, I don't want to be rude, but this is really, really fucking boring.

Um, okay.
Right.

And pomelos.
And uzus!
I'm listening, I just don't care.

Oh.
She was allergic to many more fruits!
What?

Just checking to see if you're listening.
Okay.

And tangerines.
And gorgonzola.
Goodbye.

What?
Okay, well, whatever.

Ugmo. You are ugz.
Why would you lie?

Because this conversation is very confusing and I am just trying to find a way to look at your work.
Because fuck you.
Oh my god, of course!

Thank you.
Oh, God!

Now show me your work, you FABULOUS ARTIST!